While you wait...

A narrative about the infuriating act of waiting while being forced to wear a smile and act like a grown-up.

Thank you for being here. It means so much to me.

First, today is World Lupus Day. I am sending my purple heart and all the best to everyone who recognises it. If you wonder what this is all about, read about Lupus here.

I want to tell you what I have been doing in the last 7-8 months since you (probably) saw me, but this is not why I am writing today. I could say, though, that I have been doing things I enjoy, sometimes with people I really like. I even had a phase where I was sure Barbing could be my side hustle so I signed up for a class. I didn’t last 7 consecutive days.

When I decided to go on this hiatus in October, I did not realize it would be the start of some of the worst moments in my adult life. Often, I feel suspended in the air like a Puppeteer has abandoned me in the middle of a performance. Yet, even as I hold my breath in this ugly pause, some really good things are happening to me. I am stressed, but my health is near-stable. I am unmotivated, but I brave two jobs every day. The heat is unbearable, but I cook meals and joke when the perspiration lines the sides of my face. I have constant headaches from the noise filtering through my windows, but I have read more books this year than in all my adult life. I am also finding new connections with my person and with my people. I have learned to sit in silence, sometimes praying or simply watching. In this new quiet, I receive reminders that you root for me: the check-in messages, random phone calls, and the recommendations you send my way. Many of you don’t understand why I am away, but you continue to be there for me. I feel profoundly grateful. Thank you.

I am waiting to feel the ground beneath my feet again, and then I will tell you about some of it.

In his book, “And the mountains echoed,” Khalid Hosseini wrote: “I suspect the truth is that we are waiting, all of us, against insurmountable odds, for something extraordinary to happen to us.” This sentence has never felt more apt than in my present.

Waiting can be such an exasperating act. It doesn’t say when or how, you just know that something you want will happen soon. Here is where it gets tricky. Do you wake up every day and strive towards these things, or are you simply, well, waiting? Don’t worry, I won’t launch into a sermon to inform you about what you should be doing right.

I am writing this first entry to tell you that I am a person who tries, waits, fails, wins, tries, and waits all over again. It will not stop Life from happening, or me from showing up for it.

I hope nothing stops you too. More importantly, I hope you find a reason to continue, every time you want to get sucked up in a wait.

Let me end with a toast to what you want: a job, healing, house, car, love, money, the reduced price of garri, a vacation in Santorini?

Ambition doesn’t indicate the absence of gratitude or contentment. Yet, where do you draw the line between thankfulness for what you have and a plan to do better? I imagine you wait with a little more grace and much less self-pitying.

Don’t allow dissatisfaction in your present because you’re waiting for something you think could change your life.

So, wait like a champ?